Prothean Cuisine
by TheGreatJabberyJamie
Summary: Javik of all people is found to be cooking for the ship. And surprisingly everyone loves it, or at least 'almost' everyone does. Humour ensues.


**Hey people, I randomly got inspiration for this little one-shot, so I hope you enjoyed it, it's meant to be humorous, if it's not then I've done something very wrong. Anyway though, read on. Also, I hope you all had a happy new year.**

No one knew why it happened, but everyone was happy it did. Out of everyone on the ship, of all the activities, nothing could have surprised the crew more. Javik, of all people was cooking, Shepard would have assumed flaying 'primitives' alive would have been more up Javik's street for entertainment, but cooking for them? he never would've guessed that.

Within seconds of the smell reaching around the ship almost everyone had assembled in the mess hall, confused, but definitely pleased with what had happened. He had even managed to make both Levo and Dextro based meals.

The only people who hadn't gathered were Wrex, who was probably in the war room sorting out how he was going to get his genophage cure. And Tali, who most likely couldn't smell anything through her suit, Garrus promptly left to find her and make sure she got something too.

People were a bit apprehensive at first, but no one could argue once each of them were given their first serving of the stuff. Shepard didn't know where the Javik learned how to make pie, but it was some of the best she had ever had, the rest of the crew agreed too.

It wasn't long before everyone had already finished their slice, and then asked for seconds. And oddly, instead of being his usual, relatively cruel self, the Prothean seemed more than happy to give people another helping. He even let Vega go up for a third, and at that point he felt he needed to give him credit for it.

"This really is amazing Javik, better than my eggs, you should be our chef around here. What's it made of? Varren? Beef?" Vega asked expectedly, he was happy the usually harsh alien could finally contribute socially with the rest of them, especially after that debacle when he tried to make the Prothean tell a joke.

Javik grinned, "Those meats didn't exist in my cycle, and most of the ones I used to use are extinct now. I managed to find some which weren't though."

"Well, whatever it is I'm glad it lasted from your time, you should cook more often."

"Maybe I will, the Krogan downstairs had a lot of meat on him," Javik pondered, he was sure he had enough meat for another two servings at least.

The entire room went silent and glanced from the Prothean back to the food, and then back to the Prothean. "_What!?_" Shepard whispered, asking what everyone was thinking, looking in dread at the meal he had half finished, hoping with every fibre of his body that Javik was only just joking.

Javik didn't seem to care about everyones reaction and continued eating, "The Krogan, he kept complaining about his genophage so I made him stop. It was getting more irritating than the Asari's constant questions, at least now she can stop asking what I eat."

The Asari promptly threw up at the remark, expelling as much of Wrex as she could from her bowels. Following her lead, the rest of the crew did the same.

"Please, please, _please_, tell me you didn't kill and cook the leader of the Krogan," Shepard begged, terrified at the repercussions this could cause from the rest of the species. Also mortified that one of his closest friends, whom he considered like family, had died, and in such a way too.

"He wasn't much of a leader then if he couldn't reason his way out of it rath-" Javik was cut off by the sound of the mess hall door sliding open.

"Javik, I don't know what prompted you, but this Dextro pie is great, I'm surprised you could even find any Dextro-amino meat on this ship let alone cook it. I bet Tali would love this… speaking of which have any of you seen her anywhere?" Garrus asked cheerfully as he walked through the door, seemingly having finished his plate on his search for his Quarian girlfriend.

The rest of the crew just watched in horror as he grabbed another piece of the meat filled pastry and took a large bite. The only sound was their resident Prothean's deep laugh resonating around the mess hall…

**Don't hate me guys for killing off two of the best characters. I had inspiration, so here it is, Javik is a great cook apparently. Anyway, if you liked it please favourite and review. Thanks.**


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